Joyful Struggles

the hovering cloud

speeding ticket

dead phone

school books

a very distracted mind

fraud

This summer I'm going to stay with a missionary family in Southeast Asia. I had wanted to pay for the trip on my own, but due to the things above and my dad's wise words, I am now sending out support letters.

I have been so discouraged by the big and little things that have happened lately, things that have put a damper on Indonesia. Yes, I know that life is always worse for someone else...I am by no means looking for pity, yet, these are the struggles I've been handed. Oh, the hours I have lately spent contemplating this mission trip! Am I doing the right thing? Is this where the Lord wants me? Are these things attacks from the enemy or is it the Lord saying, "No, I don't want you to do this!"?

By His divine providence, the devotional I read today was "Thinking About the Dark Side of Missions" from John Piper's Taste And See: Savoring the Supremacy of God in all Things. It was all about the struggles missionaries go through and praying that God would raise up men and women to stand firm in Him and face the "darkness". Piper also wrote, "Missionaries are people who have decided that being loved by God is enough to enable love....Loving, not being loved, is essential."A beautiful reminding, edifying, encouraging word I desperately needed.

Earlier, my mom sent me an email with her recent epiphany; when I was little, I heard Joy Cullen, a missionary to Thailand and Malaysia, speak about her life as a missionary. From the kindling of her words, God ignited a passion within my soul for missions. Little did I know then that I would be staying with her daughter on this mission trip, over ten years later. I love God's timelines.

The verses in my journal today were about the joy of the Lord and praising Him still. I am so thankful He is allowing me to experience His faithfulness in new ways, simple and silly perhaps, but we all start somewhere!

This is a haircut I hope to get one day when my hair decides to grow more.

White Rock Lake...my favorite place on earth.

Tuesday

Today, school started once again.

If the truth be told, I wasn't counting down the days for the gun to be shot and the race for summer to begin. I had rather hoped that summer would just appear when I woke up. Alas, that was not the case. I woke up with a cloud hovering over me and I couldn't escape its shade. I longed for the sun and its comforting warmth!

Yet, the Lord's mercy and compassion were gently making their way into my day. I was reminded of the joy He had given me last semester through silly things like the smell of a fresh pot of coffee waiting to greet my sleepy self. I sat down on my favorite couch in the company of my dear room mates, pulled a blanket around me, and read His word.

"Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed. Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:23

I know every day will not be filled with sunshine and happiness but I was so reminded that no matter what vermin eats away the day, I will never be consumed because of Christ's mercies. So, I drank my coffee, opened the door, and said helloo to Tuesday.

The Pillars

Corrie Ten Boom

Catherine Marshall

Elisabeth Elliot

Ruth Bell Graham

Mom

Joy Cullen

Julie Griffin

Jamie Jackson

Sara Groves

Lisa Cox

These women have been so used by the Lord as pillars of wisdom to steady the foundational principles I hold so dear as a girl who strives to fear the Lord...amidst daily stumblings. Each of them has given me a gift so precious as if to say, "Here. We know life is hard so holdfast to His word and remember we're going home."

The Grand Beginning

I am full of beginnings. The buds of relationships, first few lines to an epic story, ideas that will change the world, the beginning of a journal entry. I am a beginner. I begin things. In fact, there are very few things that I have ever really finished in life. A few novels I was very proud to complete, some sketches I simply had to see through for the final product. Yet, overall, I am in love with ideas. I start with something I amount in my imagination to be compellingly captivating and soul awakening and then, inevitably, I stop. So I wonder, will I ever be in love, or will I only ever be in love with the idea of it all? It is a very dire question to ponder.

I am amusingly fond of the “could be’s”. It is only when the opportunity arises for a “could be” to become an “is” that I suddenly halt and know beyond all doubt that what could be certainly could never be. I bluntly cut off my emotions, hold my breath, never look back, and move to the next beginning. I know what I want in an “is”, so the problem doesn’t lie in not knowing. I think I am just so afraid of never finding who's right and settling for whoever isn't. So, whenever I feel uneasy or doubtful about something, I just withdraw and confirm once more what I really want.

I want it to be simple, to feel right, like walking into a childhood house; you step inside and suddenly the weight of the world seems to drift away because all of your hopes and dreams and childlike faith are so alive and passionately real, for after all, they were born there.

So. Whenever I step inside that old home, I know I’ll hear that man say, “Welcome home love, let me be your ending.”